THE PHANTOM 如影隨形
本篇作品中文接續於英語之後。謝謝。
Writer’s Note:
This English version is not as comprehensive
as my mother tongue which was written later, for when I transferred from English,
created first, to Mandarin Chinese, more thoughts appeared; therefore, if one
needs to truly understand what I’ve written in Mandarin Chinese, perhaps using
the on-line translation mechanism can be a nice option. Thank you.
I read somewhere about the following
concept: All the important battles are fought within one’s self.
In addition, in this journey alone, those
who have spent the most time with me for such humanitarian purposes have
observed something. “You believe that people’s poverty does not show in their
living standards only. Instead, it can be revealed in their philosophy of life,
that through the ways people communicate with one another and him/herself, the
gaps between rich and poor can be found. It is never about whether people have
to see those running around in the mountains, with shaggy clothes and no shoes only.
It is about whether people would be able to see that, we ourselves have that
parts of us, deep down, wearing that kind of shaggy clotes while shouting for
help.”
Yes, because of our frugality built up for
this journey, like the previous one when people went to Kenya with me, we
saved, for each person, more than 50 USD out of the 100 USD they have paid
person per day; however, the depth of the works I am involved has become not in
relation directly to money itself, but more or less to the investigation of
one’s mind, of defeating those monsters situated there, and of seeing through
the beauty of human nature so that people are able to chase away those phantoms
occupying our different territories inside our souls.
For those who do not share the same passions
of pulling away the confusions and troubles of the others, whether they land
inside us due to physical, psychological, and/or financial frustrations, it is
difficult to understand why such individuals would do something like those to
the others, as if to sacrifice their needs or wishes to enjoy luxurious
lifestyles, well-reputed fames, and so on. Nevertheless, when I am on such a
journey of discarding more and more of items as a result of material life, like
putting almost no furniture inside the spaces I have dwelled, and of making
decisions almost purely on the needs of those whom I have served, I understand
that deep down, I do not see those formerly conceived as “poor” people to be
that sorrowful, for they can have their dignity if they want to, and it can be
those from my part of the more “advanced” parts of the world who are angry,
frustrated, and so on inside, with all those forces taking us to the most
negative grounds imaginable.
To talk about a student of mine who is a
doctor, of his realization of his lifestyle being faulty, and of his
determination to do things with me ever again is not to boast that I am able to
teach a “smart” person, or the like. On the contrary, it is through him, who is
willing to let me have that space to “dissect” his traits and segments in his
characters that the others, like me, can learn from the entire situations, for
after all, we almost always need to have some examples to make us see through
certain things. Hence, for each comment he has made, it is not merely about
him; rather, it is about every of us regarding
Why do we hold such resentments towards our
parents? Is it possible we fix that when we still can?
Why do we make our spaces of living,
handwriting, words said and so on so messy? Do we not know these only reflect
how messy our mind is?
Why do we demand the others to think and
act like us? Are we not aware these trigger our high blood pressure, leading to
causes demolishing our health system?
Through his words with me, through his
openness that he does not care about when and what I would like to phrase his
words at which platforms, he knows about my opinions towards these behaviors of
his. More significantly, he trusts that I would be able to shape him into a
better human being, similar to the time when he was merely a high school
graduate stepping into the world of medical college: what I am surprised to
learn would be his humility leading to his remorse that his peers, like him,
are not really with me through the years, or they, together, could have learned
more from me, especially almost every of them has their own partner or spouse
at present, the learning curve can cover more.
But are they truly learning from me? I do
not think so, for I have learned through all the people and situations I have
to face along the journey. What do I have to face? I am tackling issues he
somewhat also sees, such as why people still share the darkest thoughts at
holiday resorts pictured here. Indeed that was the one we were brought to, and
because of that environment, he remarks
“All these places look the same. If you
tell me you are in another nation, not in Indonesia, by showing me this photo,
I would be convinced because all these resorts, hotels, and everything have to
cater everyone’s, every family’s needs, so they build their places alike in
order to compete with one another. In all those places, I hear people,
travelers from all over the place, young and old, mumble about how lost they
are and why they need to go there to search for themselves. ET (=Hope=English
Teacher), I can guarantee that they would never be able to search for the
truths of themselves when they have not done something like what we have done
in Myanmar.”
In his terms, he believes one needs to go
to the financially most deprived regions of the world in order to reflect the
most hollow parts inside us—it is through our care towards those financially
less fortunate that they see their own light, and surprisingly, vice versa. It
is through our interactions with those children dressed in their worn out
clothes we look into our own souls, examine our most significant gains and
losses, and become aware what we really need.
Like echoing his words, after he left when
I was swimming, I heard a foreign traveler talking to her friend on the phone
about her chasing after dolphins on a boat here; nevertheless, this description
is very superficial. What were behind her tones were frustrations and anger,
due to her intonations and ways to describe things. I had to flee away from her
because I felt uncomfortable around this person talking non-stop in a haste,
and I did not even have a chance to observe how she looks like. Later the same
day, when it became dark, I thought to myself,
“There should be no one around the pool
now.” So I again went to the pool.
Of course being around 9:00 p.m., there was
no one for sure. The nearby village gathering place was with people playing
their local instruments. It was close to a celebration of the Chinese New Year.
Just when I felt so blessed that there could be such local music with thousands
of years of tradition celebrating the Chinese New Year with me, just when I was
swimming at ease in that pool with no one around, from this jampacked hotel
with almost each room occupied, I heard someone using the English four-lettered
words to shout out loud to those musicians playing their local instruments
nearby.
“Be quiet! XXXXXXX!” This person whom I was
not aware who he was kept shouting for at least three full minutes. All he said
were the same words, same speed of words, and identical accent, an accent
showing him to be not a native speaker of English.
Are we not shouting at the others most of
the time, be our words swearing, cursing, or praising?
Have we chosen which one we would go before
we shout, before we praise, or before we curse?
The bottom line is, do we need to shout out
loud, or do we only need to shout inside to that tyrant who thinks every thing
should follow our own, distinctive rules?
Do we have the respect towards those whom
we have slightly touched, but are still strangers, or do we want these
strangers to talk, think, and behave like us?
My students are always curious about why it
is possible I would be sensing what people need or want to say even before they
do so, for I often would say to them, or show them, that we need to experiment
something. In these experiments they are aware I am only experimenting, so I am
detached, but it seems they cannot really do so, for they would feel the
possible emotions the others can inflict upon me, and they feel sorry I would
have to go through all these.
However, I tell them that just like the
story we’re discussing, THE PHANTOM, there can be many phantoms nearby. These
phantoms may dwell inside us or stay outside, like that cat re-appearing again
and again near me, once near the pool late at night, making me feel she’s an
elf wishing to hypnotize me:
People who are parents may not know why
their kids say they’re busy all the time. Frankly this student of mine who’s a
doctor tells me that when he says “I’m busy” to his parents, he actually wants
them to leave him alone. Moreover, he does not want to hear them nagging him
through their control of him. This is a form of phantom in our life, something
following us all the time, our parents, and how we face them can be a tough
issue.
People who want the others not to do this
and that do not know there can be middle ground where every person respects
each other, that there is a tender thought there for them to do certain things.
They do not see such tenderness since there is a phantom, too, over there
sneering at us.
People who blame themselves do not see all
the others’ anger towards them or certain issues around them is merely, like
what the scientists have expressed, angry within. Hence, such people feeling
bad about others’ negative feelings seemingly towards them are also facing
phantoms threatening the that tangible peacefulness inside us.
After many, many years of habitual
behaviors, we form our personality and the ways of doing things. As if all the
other people cannot do something but we are the only ones who are allowed to do
so, we give ourselves the spaces and time to do things which we cannot allow
the others to do. For instance, towards the rest of those with high blood
pressure, they should not “overreact” under those circumstances that are just
“minor.” For us, though, we ALWAYS have the right to shout out loud to curse,
even when it is verbal.
Once I saw a very important person dressing
in his finest sitting in front of me at a banquet claiming his opponent in
business to be running the worst the business he’s ever seen. Food in his mouth
spread everywhere on that table, in a way, I dared not eating anymore.
“They can be saved, ET, as long as they
visit these places again and again with us.” He told me.
I asked him back. “Really?! Are you this
patient to be with similar people in the future, for you know that they are
identical no matter who they are.”
“I have to. I even feel regret I did not
follow your instruction the only time this journey you’re not with us. You
asked me to invite the little boy to sit next to us at the front so we could
interact more with him.” He said.
Why did you not do so at the moment?
He told me “I was lazy. I wanted to relax.”
Why are you telling me this right now?
“I would feel more comfortable now when he
changes more dramatically, and I know by spending more time with us at the
front, he would be more different.” He told me.
So you know what I have meant, that every
individual, in my eyes, is a piece of canvas waiting for that person
him/herself to create a piece of work, alongside with us?
And you are aware why I can go even
further, to co-create not merely that painting, but also some other stuff with
the person, when there are possibilities, for carving, and many?
By now, I feel you can sense there are more
we can do together, such as opening a clinic operating like Dr. V, the
classical eye-doctor charging money from the rich but by offering treatment to
the poor?
When should we start?
How long will you continue to be lazy?
You laziness has disrupted your progress in
your English, don’t you know?
I am aware you feel I am nagging you. To
tell the truths, I am nagging to anyone this time, as I did not feel people
understood how tough it is to drag a person from all those phantoms shrouding
him, making him almost invisible so that he feels he has the right to not even
finish the food I have cooked for him, like the old days.
Why do you have to eat what you don’t want
to eat?
It is a way to pay our respect to those who
farm, cook, and make things for all of us.
I am nagging?! If I were so nagging, why
did you have to drag me to the airport with you to send you off?
Why is that man saying HELLO just to me,
not to you? Because no matter what, I am female, and men are drown to me.
Why do you have to visit those whom you
have missed on my behalf, those ladies who’re more mature than you but live in
the same city like that of yours?
It’s because way, way, way back there, more
than a decade ago when they knew you, you’re just that lazy guy multiplying 100
times more.
Why did they have to bear with you?
How do you make them bear with you now if
you keep talking about your doctor-nonsense through swearing?
我曾經讀過一個西方圖書裡面產出的觀念：人生當中最重要的戰場，在我們的內心。
這個觀念在日後我發現和我們的文化中所講的「萬法唯心造」，十分雷同。一如在近日討論的、以PHANTOM為名的故事而言，直譯或許是「鬼魅」，但不如說在我們的語彙裡面將其表達為「那些我們身邊如影隨形的習性與天性」，或者，如果透過我們的文化意涵而解讀，則是「我們的執念」。
在這段我自己最重要的戰場幾乎必須從內而外打下江山，而並非自外而內的過程裡，這種不斷澄清某種自己樣貌的過程中，我遇到過無以計數的人幾乎是發出內心當中最深沉的音聲地告訴我：
「何以妳如此幸運，可以過妳想要的生活? 」好像許許多多人都成為某種人、事、物的奴隸般與我講話。
然而我認為，幸與不幸，眼界上的富與貧，那是我們自己可以創造的，正如同許許多多世界知名的暢銷書作家、科學家、實驗室裡面的人士的一致觀察及體會般：
我們的命運因為我們所作的任何一件事而隨時變動，如果要運好、要命好，我們直接不斷進行付出、不斷實踐即可。
我的非洲夥伴很明白地指出一件事：與我相關的非洲人最後都走上飛黃騰達之途，因為我們相處的時間夠長，但更重要的是他們在初始選擇了「做好事」，而不是選擇我這個人，所以如果他們一直在這條路上不改初衷，或者即便他們的初衷稍微變調、但整體的方向不變，那麼，好事會吸引好人，好人會成就更多好事，本來就是自自然然的天道運行法則。
而在我自己這條必須常常獨自於內在世界爭戰的旅程中，那些和我相處最久、一起做服務及公益的人群，也觀察到一件事。他們說：
「老師，我們發現妳好像已經變成會認為說，貧窮不只是生活條件差而已。真正的貧窮，也會表現在一個人的人生觀裡，表現在他和別人說話、甚至和自己對話的方式裡。
貧富差距在老師妳的眼中，好像已經不是指深山裡面那些因衣著破舊、無鞋可穿而窮苦的人，而是妳現在目光所及，已經變成人在自己內心深處的貧瘠，妳所以同情那種在內心深處實際上穿著破舊的衣服、無聲求救的人，所以妳沒有直接長駐在我們去過的世界邊陲，對嗎?」
是的。可能因為這樣，當我看到台灣的學生群因為同儕或者低年級學生，在身高、在言辭、在種種上面不如他們而言語或行動霸凌他人，但其他師長們又無法得知、或者不知如何介入時，時而痛心疾首之外，會想施作某種教育手段來影響他們，便是如此。這種教學期間我不大思考自己的金錢走向及來處，那是由於非常奇妙的，我自己個人在任何事項，不論是必須支付的、或者是必須無條件付出的用度從來沒有少過，也因為像是在如此次這樣的旅程中一直很節省，這次到印尼在每個人每天付出一百美元的情況下，我們在大家的合作之間，替每個人每天省下超過五十美元的額度，可以用在他們對於這些也許今次沒有親見、但著實存在的人群之上。
這些連動事宜使我慢慢發現，我參與的工作早就不再只是關於物質條件欠缺人士的本身，而是關於人在內心世界的運行方式。那確實是一場絕對的心靈探索：
面對性靈裡面張牙舞爪的怪獸，戰勝這些怪獸而看見人性當中的真、善、美，讓人能把那些盤踞在靈魂各個角落的「幽影」趕走，就是這種心靈探索的本質。
對於那些沒有這種熱情、沒有想幫別人理清困惑之感的人來說，很難理解為什麼有人願意放棄奢華生活、名聲和享受，去做這樣的事。但當我始終物慾極低，且不會將我自己所省下的用度放在我的親人上，因為某種程度上他們也不需要時，當我的房子裡面幾乎沒有任何家具，當我可以在必要時睡在一個行軍床上面、睡在車子裡面，因為我必須將所有的用度做最精簡的使用，以致於做決定時幾乎只考慮我服務的人需要什麼時，我才真正明白：
那些被認為「貧窮」的人，其實未必可憐；只要他們並未在內心餵養過那麼多怪獸來侵犯他們，他們始終願意在我們看來最「窮困」的環境裡面，開懷大笑、唱著山歌而行住坐臥，所以他們活得極有尊嚴。透過這些年下來反反覆覆與我一起出現在「貧困」人口身邊出現的「富有」地區人口，不論他們是白皮膚或者黃皮膚，往往有的時候，是來自所謂「先進」國家的人，內心被負面情緒牽著走的成份居多。
我該說我們的習氣導致我們經年累月「堆積」無以計數的怪獸在我們的內心，以致於在與「我們的」人溝通時，我感到自己雖然早早把自己的戰場給糜平了，但卻感知別人的怪獸與我面對面產生對峙嗎? 這些怪獸的型態各異，因著不同人士的「餵養」而有不同的樣貌，這令我想起多年前讀過的另一個句字：
No
monsters warrant the fears we have over them. (沒有任何怪獸是十足可怕的)
這更讓我想到一個畫面—著名的動畫「風之谷」裡面，片中少女遇到一個小獸對她齜牙咧嘴，她讓這個小獸先咬住了她之後，小獸就停止了其猙獰恐怖的樣子，使其得以為此少女所馴服。於是，當我提到那位當醫生的學生，他發現自己的生活、工作、立場等等各種方式產生使他「失心」的焦慮，而決定在近十五年後再次和我這個他們名為ET(English Teacher)的人一起做事，不是在炫耀我能教授聰明的人，而是因為他根本不會阻擋我與人分享他的故事、他的狀態，而使我在書寫中得到更多助人的靈感，更讓我自己和大家一起從中學習，如何一個日進斗金的人，可以在我們用實際一點的年齡來看—不到三十五歲的時刻—覺悟他的人生觀必須徹頭徹尾產生變化，否則，他會如他自己所言，一路沉淪下去而後萬劫不復。
於是，我真的該慶幸自己在早年能夠面對他內心的怪獸，加以稍微醫治如他一般的學生的心病……
所以，以他為例，我想表述的其實不只是他自己本身的事，而是我們每一個人的問題：
為什麼我們會對父母有那麼多怒氣或者怨氣？如果還來得及的話，能不能修補？
為什麼我們的生活空間凌亂、字跡潦草、說話混亂？那不正是內心混亂的反射嗎？
為什麼我們總要求別人照我們的方式思考和行動？這樣的情緒激動，不正是在傷害我們自己的身體嗎？
他願意讓我在不同平台引用他的話，也知道我對他這些行為的看法會說出什麼樣的話，也許是過去在他們眼中那位激動的老師在發表、也許是現在在他們眼中平靜的同一位老師在發表，更重要的是，他相信我能幫助他變成更好的人，所以他默默授權讓我如此針對他們而寫，而這一寫從認識他們至2023年的統計，就已經來到一百萬多個字，於是，我在過程當中，在自己的內心戰場上到底衝鋒陷陣過多少次?
我到底殺了多少人?
沒有。
從來沒有傷人嗎? 也不敢說，因為當自己的野獸還無法抑制時，我或者也會傷人。而且，即便我自己的野獸已經壓制，可是當別人主觀認定我的言行舉止傷到他們，他們就會受傷。
就像他們在成長，我也在成長，我們透過不同的界面去取得我們必須成長的元素；當他累積無以計數的財富時，如他所言的「用金錢換取時間」的情狀，我以那些時間，換取了目前的我能夠處理及面對更多怪獸的本錢。這沒有任何虛華與空談，這只是回應了許許多多書籍作者所描述過的，我在生活、工作、服務間進行慈悲的禪定，沒有真正的唸讀任何佛號，沒有在教會裡面坐下來証明我是一個宗教信仰者，但是我就是在所有的時時刻刻，篤定地於心中觀想所有我曾經閱讀過的佛經及聖經的文字，我只是加諸了一個品項—完完全全的行動力，不說而是徹底地進行相關工事，一直做到我可以在台北市工作，但可以一週連續幾天在當時服務的學校游完泳、洗好澡，繼續在學生家裡教導他人、或者圖書館裡繼續手邊其他的工作，省去通勤的時間，並在夜晚安詳在我的小國產車中熟睡，到第二天清晨於公園附近的停車位起身，進到公園裡面窗明几淨的洗手間梳洗一番後換裝，再去上班。
我不會在事情發生的當時訴說這件事，因為我在測驗自己的能耐；我想，如果我可以像那些在落後地區街道上的車伕們，就算沒有家、就算睡在橋下，也實實在在與他們在工作上的同好，過著看似一無所有的生活，那麼，已經擁有那麼多的我，就算是花一點點時間來運用當時的我的工作場域，來了解他們多一些些，又有何不好?!
而當事過境遷，我還會想到自己停車附近的地方就是在北市著名的二十四小時營業書店，我卻連半夜於車上因不舒服而睡不著都沒有，常常一覺到天明，而嫌棄自己不多花一些時間在書店多走走、閱讀等等時，不覺莞爾。
所以一路而來，這位學生想念著當時他們那一群內心有著一群怪獸的其他同伴們，真的無可厚非，就算我們總是各自在自己的世界般，靜靜做著自己的事情，但那份當年他剛從高中畢業、踏進醫學院時的內心混亂不堪卻必須在外面全副武裝的態勢，那種「以為」可以嚇壞老師的態勢，我其實在當時就有點清楚，現在回想起來，更是感到他們的「足智多謀」!!! 但這次，睽違近十五年後再度重逢於服務的道途之上，讓我意外的是他謙遜及後悔到竟然可以拿鉛筆記流水帳，雖然沒有記到最後一天，但是他可以拿起筆來在當地昏暗的燈光下書寫，我就覺得他在內心的戰場上，應該也在揮劍斬亂之中。而最要命的，是他覺得如果他當年的同儕，這些年也像他一樣一直「在需要被拉一把的時候像他一樣找ET談談」，那麼，他們或許能學到更多，尤其他們現在已經來到生命的另一個階段，幾乎每個人都有伴侶或已然成家、生兒育女，學習的層面在他的心目中，或許更為寬廣。
但他們真的只有在向我學習嗎？
其實不然。他們是透過了我，在向所有我們遇到的人、事、物裡面所帶出的所有情境學習，他們更是透過我而習得我過去的經驗值。所謂傳承，貴在於此：
那絕對不是英雄式的神話，而是所有抵禦怪獸將我們一網打盡，而必須一併破水而出的歷程。
就像他注意到的一件事：
為什麼不管男女老少，人們已經到了國外高級度假村，卻還是滿腦子灰色思想，聲稱他們找不到人生的重點、或者他們的學業及工作把他們壓得喘不過氣來？那次我們就是被帶到一個印尼當地的度假村，景緻對我而言美不勝收，但他老兄卻說：
「ET，這些地方看起來都一樣。如果你只給我看照片，說是任何那些我足跡已經踏遍的任何一個像是泰國等等任何一個別的國家，我也會相信。因為為了競爭，所有度假村還是旅館等等，都建造得差不了多少，以滿足每個個人或者家庭的需求。可是我還是不斷聽到來自世界各地的旅客，不管年輕或年老，都在說自己很迷失，說來這裡是為了找自己。我還遇過XX國家的人跟我說他如何克藥，在哪裡買藥，弄到被送進當地警察局還要他們大使館出面……
我覺得我到那些地方去的時候，看起來也許正常，可是也很迷失吧?! 所以，如果沒有像我們在緬甸做的那些事，那種不是唱高調的作一些不著邊際、或者已經氾濫到不行的所謂的公益，我不覺得他們可以找到真正的自己耶。」
請你不要太主觀好嗎? 我們不是神，不是說我們做的事情就是天下最好的事情耶!
「我沒有主觀，而是妳不會像很多人那樣馬上批判我的想法，至少不會像我父母那樣總是要控制我，最好我可以讓他們幫我拉衣服、幫我挑鞋子，讓我像小孩子那樣，永遠受控於他們。」他又開始激動了。
父母沒有那個意思，我說，他們只是關切你的生活罷了。
「可是他們難道不能學著理解而不批評嗎? 真的太囉嗦了。他們為什麼不能像妳這樣靜靜的就好?」
所以你是因為ET都靜靜陪伴大家，才挨著我要我陪你去這去那嗎? 可是你才說了我很嘮叨?!
「不是啊，房間就是旅館的嘛，我弄不清為什麼要整理被子。」
這樣你會比較有種奐然一新的感覺，迎接每個新的明天嘛!!!
說到底，在他看來，只有走進世界上最貧困的地方，才能照見我們內心最空虛的部分。當我們關心那些經濟條件困頓的人口時，他們看見自己內心的那道光明感，我們也看見自己內心的那種光明感。和那些穿著破舊衣物卻熱愛學習與開懷大笑的孩子們互動時，我們於是重新審視著自己的得與失，進而明白自己真正需要的是什麼。
依他的要求送他離境後，我在傍晚游泳時，聽到池畔一位外國女性在電話裡與對方說她在這裡搭船追海豚的事情。但她的語氣裡充滿焦躁與憤怒。那種傳到我耳中屬於她的怪獸堆積出的負面情緒，讓我極為不適，我甚至還沒來得及看看她長什麼樣子，就悄聲離開。
既然沒有游到泳，那麼晚上九點左右再去一次吧，反正從房間走兩三步就到了，隨時可以下水，夜晚時這個旅館也不會有任何外籍遊客會去游泳……是時，附近村莊正準備慶祝農曆新年，樂師們正在演奏傳統樂器，我正覺得很幸福——在異地的年節時分聽著傳統音樂，輕鬆地游泳，真是一種享受——這時，同一個旅館裡面突然有個男子對那些音樂家大聲咒罵，還加上一連串英語的三字經，要那些樂師們別再彈奏，完全安靜下來。
整整三分鐘，那個不知名的男子重複著同樣的髒話、同樣的內容，以同樣高分貝的音量咒罵著那些樂師們的音樂。
於是當地也有慶祝農曆年的習慣，是否也該停止?
我們是不是也常常提高分貝與人說話，不管我們是在罵人，還是我們在讚美人?
我們在開口之前，有沒有選擇過自己要說些什麼？
我們真的需要對外大聲吼叫，還是應該對自己內心那些野獸們說話，以馴服他們？
我們有沒有尊重那些只是與我們短暫接觸、仍然是陌生人的人？還是我們希望所有人都像我們一樣思考、說話、行動？
我的學生常好奇，為什麼我常常能在別人開口前，就感覺到他們想說什麼。我告訴他們，我只是在做一種保持抽離於當下的「實驗」，但因為學生們還做不到，所以他們會替我這個作老師的擔心，覺得我承受太多別人的情緒。可是他們沒有想到，別人一樣在承受我們的情緒和決策後給他們帶來的利多或不便……
我告訴他們，就像我們所討論的故事《THE PHANTOM》一樣，生活裡如影隨形的陰暗面多如牛毛，雖然很多看似在我們的形體之外，但多半經年累月，長期駐紮在我們內心深處。
例如，父母可能不懂為什麼孩子總說自己很忙，就像這位醫生學生坦白告訴我，他幾乎永遠都對他的爸爸媽媽說「我很忙」，他說，其實父母不知道他們說話的方式讓他嫌惡，但他又不想直接了當說出口，於是藉口於自己很忙碌，實則，他希望他們的關懷是用一種讓他感到溫暖的方式，而不是讓他感到父母陰晴不定的、對他所有大小事情的掌控，所以他買房子、所以他離家、所以他將自己弄得好像事業有成。
對他而言，這就是一種如影隨形的壓力——父母與我們之間的關係，以及我們究竟該如何面對父母，乃至於延伸到應對進退於其他所有的前輩們之上。
有些人總想規定別人不能做這個、不能做那個，卻看不見其實可以有一個彼此尊重的中間地帶。
時時刻刻或許我們內心的怪獸總會時不時提醒我們：我們會被嘲笑、被約束、被控制、被情(緒)勒(索)等等等等，所以不論何時，我們總是看不見別人的那份溫和。
有些人總是責怪自己，卻沒發現別人對某些人、事、物的怒氣或者憂愁跟他們無關，他們毋須自責之外，其實也必須認清很多事情來自於這些憤怒者又或憂愁者內心的種種情素的撞擊。於是，那些把別人的負面情緒都攬在自己身上的人，或許會無法因地、因時、因地制宜而進行較為明智的判斷，畢竟，當彼此間的怪獸互相顛來顛去的時候，就像要在東非的廣大荒原地區尋找野生象群般，是耗時費力之事。
多年習慣塑造了我們的個性，我們或許會給自己很多享樂的空間來讓我們對於這些個性上面的缺憾稍稍放鬆，卻不知道我們在閒暇之餘正因為這些我們尚未調整得宜的怪獸，給了自己深深批判他人乃至體無完膚的機會，於是誤會因而產生，於是仇恨由此放大，天下人得罪我們的居多，我們甚至感到自己每天必須戴著面具才能出門，就像我的許許多多成人學生們偷偷跟我透露的，而這也可能是人們在一個完全相反的境地裡面，我們感到自己的不足，所以別人一切的一切都正確，我們一切的一切都有問題，所以我們一樣戴著面具，不敢出門。所以有人可以大聲罵人，不論有理或者無理，但在別人做同樣的事情的時候，卻可能說別人是「反應過度」。
學生對我說：「可以啊，ET妳下次的行程裡面，我誰都可以接受啊，因為我發現雖然大家都沒有明講，但是只要人們做我們在做的事情，人們就可以被慢慢調整到更好耶，像我一樣哈哈哈!!!」
我問他：「你真要自己那麼那麼有耐心來面對所有的人嗎？」
他說有一次正巧當我無法跟在大家旁邊時，他沒有照我的話做，所以，沒有邀請一個小男孩時時刻刻跟在他旁邊。
為什麼？
他回應到：「當時妳沒在旁邊了嘛，我覺得懶得執行。我想擺爛、耍廢!!!」
那現在為什麼如實相告？
「因為我知道，如果當時多陪他，他會有更多轉變，而他的轉變會帶動我自己的轉變。我現在比較懂了耶，ET!!!」他大笑說，顯出一幅看ET妳拿我怎麼辦的樣子。
於是，我跟學生解釋，在我眼裡，每個人都是一張畫布，等待他自己完成自己的畫布，不儘如此，我們或者還有可以一起創作的空間，從而甚至進行不只是畫畫，還可以雕刻等等，創造更多、更多可能。
以這樣的角度，和這樣的學生之間，我們是不是能一做更多？
例如開一間像世界知名社會企業案例的某位印度眼科醫生那樣的診所——
向富人收費，為窮人免費治療？
如果我們要開始，那什麼時候可以好好開始？
你還會耍廢多久呢？
你的懶惰已經影響你英語的進步，連ET請你聽的英語演講，你都一知半解，這十多年來沒有大量接觸英語就變成這樣的話，可能辜負當時ET帶著大家進行免費的英語讀書會那麼長期的功效？
我知道你覺得我在嘮叨。但其實，我是在對每一個人嘮叨。因為把一個人從自己內心的怪獸中拉出來，真的很不容易——那些如影隨形的惡獸會混淆視聽，使我們的觀點或行動充滿敵意，也覺得自己有權不珍惜別人的付出。
當然我想回答一些你所講過的話……
為什麼要強迫你吃剩下的飯菜？
那是對種田的人、煮飯的人、付出的人表示尊重。
ET真的那麼嘮叨？你別隨口亂拘怨行嗎? 如果ET真是那麼嘮叨，為什麼你還要我陪你去機場、去機場前還得先去餐廳陪你吃飯？
為什麼那個男人只對我說 HELLO不對你說？ 現在你終於了解身為一個獨自行腳於世界的女性，你的ET我有多麼「身處險境」了吧?!
為什麼你要替ET去探望那些當年與你一起參與ET所辦的免費英語讀書會的女性夥伴?
因為她們比你成熟懂事、目前仍和你住在同一個城市，並且她們當時是如此忍受了比現在的你還要懶上一百倍的你，所以你要拿著禮物去謝謝人家，懂嗎？
而現在，如果你還是邊講話隨口帶點髒字、和以前那個「德性」差不了多少，你又要怎麼讓她們繼續包容幼稚的你、她們怎麼會想和我們再聚首？
說到底，你很大方地讓自己接受ET這樣的書寫、描述，從來沒有一絲一毫不悅，ET除了佩服你到五體投地之外，最重要的，是你應該是已經逐漸將自己內心當中的怪獸，一個一個慢慢擺平了，期待我們哪天華山論劍時，你的武功秘笈將撼動人心、使世界驚艷。
所以，你還不乖乖坐下來讀讀托福或者雅思，和我們過去大家也一樣相處過的隊員好好討教一下，把英語能力做個大躍進嗎? 如你所言，他接觸ET的時間早在小學低年級，而你到高中畢業的暑假才認識ET，中間差了大概十年，所以他進了世界頂尖大學作研究，但你老兄還在英語的運用上常常仰賴ET的地步……不過，如果你現在又比他早一點拾取了如你所言的，「慈悲之路的初始課程」，那麼，不知道還沒有「正式」踏上這個旅程的他，十年之後和你一較高下時，又待何如???
只能說「請待下回分曉」囉!!!
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